This weekend I saw ‘It ends with us’, which, if you have been in the social media space at all, you are aware is mired in maelstrom of controversy. Creative differences, critique of conduct on the press tour, and critique of the optics of promoting brands during the press tour is only the tip of an iceberg of intense discussions and perspectives on how domestic abuse is portrayed and treated in art and in life.
This is a shame, because all of this ‘noise’ is really distracting from the central issue of what the film is portraying in both the characters and the plot. “It Ends with Us“ is a contemporary romance novel by Colleen Hoover. The story follows Lily Bloom, a young woman who moves to Boston to start her own business and finds herself torn between two men—her first love and a new romantic interest—while also grappling with difficult family dynamics and her past. There, she meets and falls in love with Ryle Kincaid, a successful neurosurgeon. Despite his charm and passion, Ryle has a dark side, which brings back painful memories of Lily’s past.
As their relationship becomes more complicated, Lily reconnects with Atlas Corrigan, her first love, who had been her support during her difficult teenage years. Atlas reappears in her life, leading Lily to confront her feelings and the cycles of abuse she’s experienced. The novel explores themes of love, abuse, and the difficult choices people must make to protect themselves and those they care about.
What’s interesting about Ryle is he actually lacks many of the elements of these signs of abuse displayed on one of these domestic violence sites. He supports Lily’s career (in fact, she works in the shop with Ryle’s sister). Though Ryle, does not appear to have an issue with her financial independence or financially imprison her, he does display jealousy, controlling behavior, abuse of alcohol, and physical violence both towards Lily directly and to inanimate objects near her. This is often hugely overlooked and was so in the Depp-Heard case – just because you do not physically touch someone, breaking a lamp or a phone or punching a wall IS violence. Yet, he is hard-working, a husband who puts together a baby crib, goes to work and showers his wife with compliments and adoration. It is paradoxical and easy to see how the red flags can be ignored.
If you want to read the book first, or have already seen the movie and want to read the book (which is what I am doing), you can check out the Audible version of the book (the print copies are all backlogged).
The movie from the lens of domestic violence experience
As I have written about in the past, I, like 10 million people in the United States every year have experienced an abusive relationship. It was a long time ago, and the more time that goes by, the more the rearview seems foggy and unfamiliar. It doesn’t mean that I am not impacted. What really struck a chord with me was the totality of experience for the main character and how she was living her life, yet dealing with this subtle demon. Like the character in the movie, I had a meet-cute with a tall, handsome, successful stranger. Like Lily, (irony not lost), this Lili had a dream wedding, a fancy apartment with great clothes, and a successful career.
The movie did not retraumatize me, nor did it trigger any trauma. That is because it is not really a movie about domestic violence or “DV” as the interwebs command we abbreviate (and I don’t get it. Does it make it less jarring to make it an acronym, or is this just an excuse not to write out the words?)
The reason this is because the movie was not, to me, an experience of domestic violence. It was the experience of the whole life of woman trying to navigate a world of loss, love, following her dreams, making new friends, falling in love, being haunted by past loves, and yes, wearing amazing clothes. Many people are clutching their pearls because Lively has the nerve to discuss the clothes and her role in the fashions in the movie. I actually found that to be really interesting, which clothes were hers and how she even wore Ryan Renolds’s jacket in one of the scenes.
From my perspective, this is not a “movie about DV.” It is a romantic drama, with scenes of DV. Lily Bloom is, as Lively said in an interview “a woman of multitudes”. Just because you experience DV does not mean you live your life on some secluded island of that experience like the Truman show. Lively went onto say:
“The movie covers domestic violence, but what’s important about this film is that she is not just a survivor, and she’s not just a victim.”
“And while those are huge things to be, they’re not her identity,” she continued. “She’s not defined by something that someone else did to her or an event that happened to her, even if it’s multiple events.”
True, I wouldn’t even say that the DV “events” in the movie were particularly drawn out. They happened in flashes, which [spoiler alert] were intended to provide ambiguity about what actually happened and perhaps excuse the behavior of Ryle. Then they are revisited from the lens of a realization of reality, that actually, it was very intentional. But still it all happens in the blink of an eye, whereas the chance meetings, lingering embraces, and workplace interactions are drawn out in long time spans.
The truth about domestic violence -we are more than “victims” or “survivors.”
Truth be told, I dislike both of these terms. The word “victim” is overutilized in today’s discourse – everyone is a victim of some kind of trauma and sometimes this can be an excuse for just not dealing with life on life’s terms. Survivor is another one – anyone who is living, breathing and otherwise functioning is a survivor. We have all had bad experiences in life – whether it is violence, sickness, car accidents, fires, losing homes, losing jobs, being abandoned, losing a loved one, or fighting in a war – we have all seen our versions of things we’d soon like to forget.
Even in the most difficult years of my experience, I had a whole life outside of this struggle. I went to law school. I got my first job. I moved to DC, I bought an apartment, I got another job, I worked hard, I succeeded, I made friends, I had family, I traveled all over the world. I showed up for life. I always kept my last name.
In the same interview, Lively went on to say:
“I think that you’re so much — and not to minimize it — but you are so much more than just a survivor or just a victim. While that is a huge thing, you are a person of multitudes, and what someone has done to you doesn’t define you. You define you.”
She’s right – I do. If it’s about something someone else has done, then they win. The victim cycle has to stop – and it does end with us.
Post script: I have not addressed the criticism of the the actors themselves – they are based on a lot of rumor and viewing past interactions through a lens of opinions formed on someone’s character. All I have to say is that it is all about optics and that anyone (famous or not) can be presented in a certain light.
HELP RESOURCES
National Domestic Violence Hotline
https://www.thehotline.org/?utm_source=youtube&utm_medium=organic&utm_campaign=domestic_violence
Text begin to 88788
Call 800-799-7233
